I’d like to tell you this is 100% possible, but in my experience, you’ll be lucky if 75% percent of the time you can say with certainty that you have the situation under control. There will be things you can’t plan for; let’s face it, you’ve never done this before, and neither have your parents.
Last year, my sister and I realized that our parents could no longer live safely in their Victorian home and that the only way they would move is if we took charge. We knew the house had challenges for our mother, who has limited mobility. What we didn’t anticipate was our father’s cognitive decline and how this would be even more dangerous than the steep stairs. It started with a fender bender and quickly accelerated to an accident with his belt saw in which he almost lost his thumb. Not to mention the issues with the furnace. They spent a winter in New England without heat, and the replacement furnace had a carbon monoxide leak. It was time to make a change. Aging in place simply wasn’t an option.
Our parents restored their house over the course of 55 years. It was, in many ways, our father’s life’s work. Saying goodbye to their home wasn’t easy. But antique homes are in constant need of maintenance, and he was no longer able to keep up with repairs. Luckily, we had a great realtor, our childhood friend Kim. She grew up in a house two doors down from us and knew our parents well. Kim also had firsthand experience with managing this transition; she moved her parents the year prior. She was not only able to help us get the house ready for the market, recommend resources like handypeople and movers, but she also helped us manage our parents’ emotions. And, let me tell you that was no easy job.
If you’re facing this challenging project, there are several things I would recommend.
Get support:
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Find a realtor you connect with, one who has been there herself and can both commiserate with you and guide you.
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Talk with your family and friends about what you’re going through. Just telling someone else about your frustrations helps, and they may have suggestions or even offer to help.
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Meet with your parents’ financial planner to get clarity on what they can afford, and have conversations with their doctors about what kind of environment would be best.
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Research elder services and start planning support.
Get them moved and settled:
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If possible, move your parents out of the house before it goes on the market. There will be a lot of activity, and this can be disconcerting and disruptive for elderly parents.
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Set up the new space so it feels familiar and install any safety features they need like night lights and a video doorbell.
Discuss what you want to keep and what you don’t:
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Talk with your siblings about what things are meaningful to you, and expect that you may want the same objects. Always remember that your relationships are more important than stuff. My sister and I both want a lithograph of Amsterdam. I lived there, so of course, I feel it should be mine. She disagrees. I’m looking for a copy on eBay; this way, we can each have one.
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Hire someone to help them sort through things and pack. It’s an emotional process and one best delegated to a third party.
Simplify the closing process:
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If you’re in a state where an attorney conducts the closing, ask whether your parents can grant the lawyer a power of attorney so they don’t have to go to the office on closing day.
Lastly, make sure to do things that fill your cup. Practice self-care when possible. It could be as simple as reading a good book, walking in the woods, or taking a nap. This process is a marathon, not a sprint, and like all good athletes, you need rest.
If you have questions or need some advice, give me a call
I’m happy to share more about my experience and guide you through this challenging phase of life.
If you’d like my comprehensive guide to downsizing and a list of Triangle area resources, email me at jennifer.gardner@nestrealty.
